The Client Said… (Pt. 2)
BottleForThePain: Now what part of I’VE GOT A BRIEF TO CRACK do you not understand?
Client: *gulps down a bottle of vodka, wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and sports a wry grin that gives him a look no different from a horse* Yeah, brief…my brief…I don’t understand why it’s taking you guys forever to revert. Ahmean, it’s been like…what?…1 week?
BottleForThePain: Not to worry. Nikki is on it.
Client: Nikk wat! Haaaaaay nowwwwww! I don’t want that girl on my account…not now not ever! Here’s a girl who can hardly make a complete sentence without hurling a mouthful of spit at you like one with a head injury…how’s she going to hold up a presentation without getting us soaked and you know it’s bad luck to use an umbrella indoors, right? She has no advertising experience whatsoever and she types like an eighty year old woman with a bad case of cataract! I’m not so trusting of her if she has to engage anything from her neck up…she can’t…
BottleForThePain: *cuts in* Hold up… I’m guessing you’ve got it all mixed up. I mean Nikki…Nikki your girl…the one you specifically instructed the Agency to offer a job…your brilliant, multi-talented Nikki. You even dictated what her annual salary would be…as per HR and things…
Client: Yeah? That I asked you guys to give her a job does not mean I want her on my account! That babe does not know j.a.c.k! She’s as clueless as…as Pinky!
BottleForThePain: The mouse? Wow!..That’s wicked, man.
Client: So are you going to correct this anomaly or not? Take her somewhere else…please.
Client: See…I know what bad hires can do to a business.
BottleForThePain: *in a sarcastic tone* You do?
Client: Bad hires are like a malignant tumor; you either do all you can to avoid it and in the event that you have it, you do all you can to get rid of it. You see, it’s unfortunate that most Agencies do not think twice when a jerk on the client side decides to impose a staff on them. And this is totally wrong! Hiring the wrong employee wastes time, money and causes unnecessary frustration for everyone… kinda feels like having a boil up your rear end…
More often than not, what you’d find is an environment filled with murmuring, bickering and hate. Ahmean, what do you expect when other members of the team are made to suffer because some ‘bird-brain’ imposed by a client on the agency cannot shoulder his/her fair share of the workload…Then there’s the risk of a counterproductive thought pattern…the other team members will start thinking “Why should I kill myself on this job when XYZ who’s as dumb as a door knob, puts in very little effort and still gets a monthly pay that’s sinfully high?”
See man, no one should be swayed by sentiments…all that errm… she’s the daughter of my mentor; we attended the same college; if we don’t recruit him we may lose the account…Classic bullshit! All that is of no importance in choosing the right person for the job. Here’s a tip for you and your team: NEVER HIRE ANYONE WITH A PERSONALITY THAT DOESN’T FIT OR SKILLS THAT ARE BELOW AWESOME. NOT EVEN FROM THE CLIENT…THAT MUCH YOU OWE TO YOUR ALREADY FANTASTIC TEAM.
Implement a ‘No jerk’ policy in your Agency and the client will respect and love you for it. The minute you compromise on quality you’ve already begun the descent.
BottleForThePain: *mouth agape*
Client: *gulps down more vodka* This conversation never happened. I’m out…for real this time.
BottleForThePain: *visibly shocked* Was that really C…my C?
PS: The entire conversation is a figment of the writer’s bottled up imagination