Archive | November 2013

The Client Said… (Pt. 2)

BottleForThePain: Now what part of I’VE GOT A BRIEF TO CRACK do you not understand?

Client: Brief.

BottleForThePain: Huh?

Client: *gulps down a bottle of vodka, wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and sports a wry grin that gives him a look no different from a horse* Yeah, brief…my brief…I don’t understand why it’s taking you guys forever to revert. Ahmean, it’s been like…what?…1 week?

BottleForThePain: Not to worry. Nikki is on it.

Client: Nikk wat! Haaaaaay nowwwwww! I don’t want that girl on my account…not now not ever! Here’s a girl who can hardly make a complete sentence without hurling a mouthful of spit at you like one with a head injury…how’s she going to hold up a presentation without getting us soaked and you know it’s bad luck to use an umbrella indoors, right? She has no advertising experience whatsoever and she types like an eighty year old woman with a bad case of cataract! I’m not so trusting of her if she has to engage anything from her neck up…she can’t…

BottleForThePain: *cuts in* Hold up… I’m guessing you’ve got it all mixed up. I mean Nikki…Nikki your girl…the one you specifically instructed the Agency to offer a job…your brilliant, multi-talented Nikki. You even dictated what her annual salary would be…as per HR and things…

Client: Yeah? That I asked you guys to give her a job does not mean I want her on my account! That babe does not know j.a.c.k! She’s as clueless as…as Pinky!

BottleForThePain: The mouse? Wow!..That’s wicked, man.

Client: So are you going to correct this anomaly or not? Take her somewhere else…please.

BottleForThePain: Oh…k?

Client: See…I know what bad hires can do to a business.

BottleForThePain: *in a sarcastic tone* You do?

Client: Bad hires are like a malignant tumor; you either do all you can to avoid it and in the event that you have it, you do all you can to get rid of it. You see, it’s unfortunate that most Agencies do not think twice when a jerk on the client side decides to impose a staff on them. And this is totally wrong! Hiring the wrong employee wastes time, money and causes unnecessary frustration for everyone… kinda feels like having a boil up your rear end…

More often than not, what you’d find is an environment filled with murmuring, bickering and hate. Ahmean, what do you expect when other members of the team are made to suffer because some ‘bird-brain’ imposed by a client on the agency cannot shoulder his/her fair share of the workload…Then there’s the risk of a counterproductive thought pattern…the other team members will start thinking “Why should I kill myself on this job when XYZ who’s as dumb as a door knob, puts in very little effort and still gets a monthly pay that’s sinfully high?”

See man, no one should be swayed by sentiments…all that errm… she’s the daughter of my mentor; we attended the same college; if we don’t recruit him we may lose the account…Classic bullshit! All that is of no importance in choosing the right person for the job. Here’s a tip for you and your team: NEVER HIRE ANYONE WITH A PERSONALITY THAT DOESN’T FIT OR SKILLS THAT ARE BELOW AWESOME. NOT EVEN FROM THE CLIENT…THAT MUCH YOU OWE TO YOUR ALREADY FANTASTIC TEAM.

Implement a ‘No jerk’ policy in your Agency and the client will respect and love you for it. The minute you compromise on quality you’ve already begun the descent.

BottleForThePain: *mouth agape*

Client: *gulps down more vodka* This conversation never happened. I’m out…for real this time.

BottleForThePain: *visibly shocked* Was that really C…my C?

PS: The entire conversation is a figment of the writer’s bottled up imagination

The Client Said…(Pt. 1)

BottleForThePain: Hello #Admen! What’s good? Thanks for reading our posts, thanks for the comments, the RTs and most importantly, thanks for putting in a word for us amongst your friends and colleagues. You guys are the absolute best! Hope the client has been good, even though that sounds like an oxymoron…

Client: And what the heck is that suppose to mean?

BottleForThePain: Meaning of oxymoron? Send a brief to your Agency asking for the meaning. Are they not on retainer?

Client: Hahahahahahaha… We’re really not that bad you know…Nice blog by the way. I’m a regular reader. Some deep and honest stuff you’ve got right here.

BottleForThePain: You’re kidding right? You serious? OMG! Thank you! Good to know a client is reading!

Client: Yea, but that’s about it. We read, laugh and move on. Doesn’t change the fact that Agencies are our slaves…I mean partners and they gotta do what they gotta do. They gotta deliver or we replace them…it’s really that simple.

BottleForThePain: *smh* Oh, well…anyway, now that you’re here can we deal with some pertinent issues. It’d be nice to hear your POV on matters that bother around certain clients imposing new staff on Agency at ‘gunpoint’; clients getting kickbacks larger than Agency fee; clients stealing Agencies’ ideas without paying a dime; clients and their last minute fire-brigade approach to work…

Client: *cuts in* Bottle, hold one second…hold it right there…it really isn’t my fault you’re on the Agency side and I, on the client-side you know…’cos I really don’t understand what all these acrimony is about…you mean to tell me that if you’re offered a job this minute by one of ‘em Multinationals, you’d comfortably reject the offer?

BottleForThePain: Look C, that’s besides the poi…

Client: *cuts in* No! That IS the point! Answer! Would you reject a job offer from a client…with a salary that’s twice your current peanut pay? Ahmean, what are we not talking about here? Client this, client that…so what if we impose unqualified staff on Agencies?

BottleForThePain: Unquali…*nods*

Client: So what if we get enormous kickbacks larger than Agency fee and expensive gifts from Agencies on our birthdays…so what if we pre-select Agency peepz who’d manage our accounts and insist they take‘client-service’ to a whole new level?

BottleForThePain: *mouth agape* A whole new level? Ooooooochimo!

Client: Yea, it’s called ‘Clieeeeeeeent-service’ for a reason. Duh! So what if we never know what we want? So what if we barely qualify for our positions, earn lots of money enough to feed a third-world country and do nothing but act busy from week to week? So freaking whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? We pay the bills that keep Agencies in business and that’s all that matters. He who pays the piper dictates the fucking tune! Copy that! I’m out!

BottleForThePain: *bites fingers furiously whilst replaying the latter part of our conversation* It’s called clieeeeeeeent-service for a reason? *nods* Interesting…#ThingsWeLearnEveryday

Client: *walks back* But you know that was all a joke yea? Admen rock you know! Hey, Bottle, where your mates at? I need a bottle for this pai…set-up 😦

BottleForThePain: Yo, C. If you don’t mind, I’ve got a brief to crack…*moonwalks* I’m out! 😀

PS: The entire conversation is a figment of the writer’s bottled up imagination.

Is It Ever That Serious?

Work

Few days ago, I saw a status update on the Facebook page of an Ad. Agency.

It read: “Working till 9pm few days a week is the Agency way of life. It’s not just about the money but our passion for the job. LIKE this post if you agree”

I can’t remember if the post got a lot of LIKES…but I can vividly remember that I was a tad upset…upset because as at the time I read the post, my Boss had just informed the team that we’d have to work late as there was a brief from a client that required urgent attention. I looked at my wristwatch. Time was 7:30pm. No joke.

Between the Client and the Account Manager, someone would have been shot that night – the latter, especially. Ahmean, why on God’s green earth would an Account Manager agree on a workable timeline with a client without confirming from the guys in Creative? But this again is an #AdRant for another day…

Here’s what I think…An ideal employee isn’t one who goes from 6am till 11pm everyday. No. It’s also not a crime if an employee leaves work after 8 working hours. No, it’s not. It’s perfectly okay. It has absolutely nothing to do with his work capability.

Working till very late several days a week isn’t proof of a dedicated, hardworking team. As a matter of fact, it oftentimes reflects bad management on the part of the Head of Department. Ever heard of time and people management?

When we work ourselves to death, what exactly do we stand to gain? Bonuses? A thank you e-mail from God…scratch that…the MD? A pat on the back?

What is all that compared to a debilitating health, strained family and love relationships? Like you put all that matter to you on the line so that a soap can get more brand awareness? Or so that you can meet an unrealistic deadline some bungling account manager promised the client? Are you kidding?

Bonuses are great. But will you spend that money 6ft below?

Thank you e-mails either from the client or the boss is awesome but you can’t put a link to the mail on your CV, can you? So what’s the point?

Hello! This is advertising we’re talking about here, not some higher calling and clients/accounts are as fickle as they come…the ads too. Anyone ever measured what the ‘life expectancy’ of an advertising campaign is? #LowkeyYou now want to come and die there?

Is it ever that serious?